I want to break this cycle

How will I change these 20 years of conditioning? All I have known is either the silence of aggression from the woman supposed to comfort me. I want to turn to you and break the cycle of turning away from you. I want to apologise to you and utter these words of repentance like I have never heard from home. I want to hold you and feel shame. I want to intuitively do the right thing and not let my mind take over. Intellectually I know what I am supposed to do, yet my body shudders at giving and receiving affection in the middle of conflict. This is what happens when one's mother is my mother.

When I was a child, I made this mental list of things I would never do so I do not end up like her. I should have written it down so I would always have a guide on how to live my life, because along the way, I had absorbed some of these things and ended up hurting you.

I want to be able to sit with my anger and not get carried away when it storms inside. I want to be able to show you how I still care despite this emotional flood. If we are each other's mirror then I need to take care of you like how I should have been taken care of as a child because loving you also means loving myself.